4 Ways We Reject Love and Why
(This content is being used for illustrative purposes only; any person depicted in the content is a model)
Do you reject love? If the answer is no, you might be in denial. Most people do not naturally reject love, but subconsciously we might be doing just that. The good news is by learning behaviors that push away potential partners; we can shift those behaviors and improve the dynamics of our relationship. More importantly, we can grow our ability to give and receive the love we deserve.
So how exactly does a person reject love?
Here are four common ways we reject love
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Withholding.
As people get closer in a relationship, they can often get scared and pull away. The fear of intimacy can turn them away from themselves or their partners. To protect themselves, they withhold the qualities their partner valued most. This process is often unintentional which makes it difficult to pinpoint. However, pay attention if your feelings start to change. You may notice you start to resent a person you had strong feelings for. You might stop doing little things like making contact or showing affection. If you see yourself start to distance away from someone, it might be because you are holding your back out of fear.
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Shutting down.
To elaborate on the above, one of the reasons we withhold from a potential partner has to do with our defense system that cuts us off from our feelings. We form our defenses based on past experiences. The hurt we have encountered in the past prevent us from opening us in the future. For example, you may begin to fall in love with someone and suddenly warning signs to flash for no apparent reason. While it is normal to want to protect ourselves, it also can alienate and confuse our partner. Our defenses lead us to act cold and finding excuses not to interact with someone we love. It is important to acknowledge the defenses that are preventing to get too vulnerable or getting too close.
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Overly Critical.
Another way we reject love is to pick at our partner, focusing on any flaws he or she may have. We may start to listen to an inner voice in our head that wants to critique and attack those who are closer to us. The inner critic wants to shade our perception because of the fear of hurt from the relationship. In this state, we may feel desperate for our partner to show us they love us. This too can push away love because of the inability to accept it.
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Picking fights.
All couples have their up and downs. However, there are times where we start to provoke our partner more frequently and spontaneously. These actions are about creating conflict, not resolving it. We want to get a negative response or push our partner away. For example, if your partner does something right, you might mention the time they did not do things right. For example, your partner says something like, “You’re so sweet to me. I’m so lucky to have you,” and you respond with a “yeah, but” comment. This shuts the person down and creates distance rather than closeness. It is important to recognize when you feel threatened, intruded on, anxious or insecure. One we identify what causes us to retreat from love, we can understand why we act the way we do. We can find the root causes of our fears of intimacy.
Ultimately, it is possible to free ourselves of our protective behaviors that push away love. In recovery, it is easy to feel insecure when you begin to get back on the dating scene, but remember you still have value. You deserve a real bond, and if you receive it, you should feel worthy of it. If you or someone you love is struggling with substance abuse or addiction, please call toll-free 1-800-777-9588.
Author: Shernide Delva